“I need to be soft so he feels in control”

I recently had a one-on-one call with a new Quietly Becoming member.

She’s an ambitious woman navigating the delicate balance of pursuing her passions while being in a relationship with an equally, if not more ambitious, man.

It’s a dynamic many women find themselves in, especially those who are driven, creative, and striving to build something meaningful for themselves.

During our conversation, she shared something that stayed with me: she believed that a man like the one she was with — strong, ambitious, successful — wanted a “softer” woman.

Naturally, I asked her what she meant by that.

She hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right words, and as she elaborated, I listened closely.

Then, I reflected back what I thought I was hearing.

To me, it sounded like she was saying an ambitious man wants someone he can control.

She quickly clarified — that’s not what she meant at all. And I believed her.

She would never want to be in a relationship where she felt controlled, and honestly, no one truly does.

Yet, there was something beneath her words that caught my attention, something I didn’t want to overlook.

I pay close attention to what my clients say, even if it’s not what they consciously mean — because even when we don’t mean something, our subconscious often tells a different story.

And if your subconscious is whispering that a man should have control, it’s likely shaping how safe you feel in a relationship.

Here’s the thing: if, deep down, you believe a man’s power lies in his ability to control, then you will never feel truly safe with him.

You’ll always be bracing yourself, holding something back, fearful of losing your sense of autonomy in the relationship.

But control isn’t the same as trust.

What you really want is a partner whose decisions you trust.

Not because he’s in control, but because you trust the way he leads himself.

You trust the way he makes decisions with integrity, the way he moves through life in alignment with his values.

And just as importantly, you want to be with someone who trusts your decisions, your leadership, and your ability to navigate your life and passions with confidence.

Relationships are not about one person leading while the other blindly follows or ignorantly submits.

They’re about collaboration — two people co-creating a life where both can thrive.

A truly divine relationship is comprised of two people’s ideas, vision, and effort to make decisions together.

Being in a relationship with an ambitious man while you’re also chasing big dreams of your own doesn’t mean you have to play small.

It means you find ways to uplift each other without sacrificing what matters most to either of you.

It means learning to trust each other’s decisions without needing control.

And most importantly, it means learning to trust yourself first — because when you trust yourself, you’ll never have to wonder if you’re losing yourself in a relationship.

You’ll know exactly who you are and what you stand for, and you’ll build a relationship from that solid ground.

At Quietly Becoming, we’re all about cultivating that trust — within yourself first, and then within your relationships.

Because when you can do that, you create a life where your ambitions aren’t at odds with love, but beautifully intertwined.

So, to the woman I spoke with on that call, and to every woman navigating what it means to pursue your passions while loving a man who is equally driven — remember, you don’t have to choose between being ambitious and being in a relationship. You just have to choose trust over control.